Effing Dykes Gifts: What Lies Beneath (Her Fingernails) | Autostraddle

This is exactly a particular Guest article by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is a queer girl blog which is entertaining and wise and a tiny bit perverse and
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. Probably wouldn’t be a terrible idea to create aside some time acquire sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, for those who haven’t currently. Just be sure you come-back here to learn this article, because it’s special, as above mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Ensure you get your buddy. Everyone had gotten the buddy? Great. Hold on fast your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this will be a real story.

Ahem.

A Long Time Ago, while I was actually therefore recently homosexual I Did Not even know I was recently gay…

An older lesbian from the now-defunct queer club labeled as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself totally just indeed there to boogie)


provided me with some information:

1)


Never open up a mutual bank account along with your enthusiast



2)


You shouldn’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Ensure a female’s nails tend to be clean.

The a good idea lesbian was in the woman later part of the 40’s, a generation so far away from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that I couldn’t also envision just what it ought to be want to be so ancient.

Exactly how unfortunate, I Imagined. Right here the woman is at a bar and she is old. I hope I do not wind up depressed like the girl.

Is not it enjoyable is the middle of your very own world?

Just what only a little crap I was.

For whatever reason, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that evening duplicating her three principles to my self.

While I woke right up, I thought ones.

It absolutely was kind of like into the sterling silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to remember The Signs.


Don’t act like you never re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least once per year.

Anyway! over the years, i recalled the 3 life instructions the lesbian had taught me. The woman information generated sense.

We never ever launched a mutual bank account with any individual.

I never faked orgasms once again after the first few instances I did it, realizing I became, indeed, dooming me to a continuous cycle of shitty sex by gratifying poor performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And that I always covertly examined a lady’s nails before I slept together with her.

Short? Check.

No abrasive sides? Always Check.

Thoroughly clean? It Is go time.

But exactly why, nymphos?


What is the big deal about fingernails?


What’s because of the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I have it. Its more challenging to bang with very long nails. You could potentially maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it is maybe not impossible. I have had very long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all those things tough — you only make sure to make use of the shields of your fingers.

So just why was that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision to-do some debunking.

Without doubt absolutely nothing could actually happen to you if you had gotten banged by someone with dirty fingernails.

Then I recalled a tale so terrible I would practically overlooked it.

Homos.

Bad crap can occur.

This terror story pertains to you due to my personal good-looking friend ”


Cai



,” who’s seen even more snatch in temperature than a kitty clinic on Free Spay Day.

Alright.

Cai


was in Miami when she met a tremendously hot recherche femme mure we’ll call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks baking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had huge gold hoops that shimmered from inside the light, as well as had among the many greatest asses


Cai


had actually ever viewed.

She covertly texted me a photo of

Katie

in the share so she could brag, and I also texted back,


“i might strike that till my personal hand dropped down.”

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


residence that evening. There was indeed some serious drinking.

While getting undressed


Katie


for the half-light,


Cai


saw one thing she had not truly observed prior to:



Katie had cool nails.

In fact,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


could not end the emotional picture of these fingernails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, so animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


even leave

Katie


bang this lady, even though she normally never ever allows anyone do that. Exactly what the hell, she figured. Going house the next day. Never see this lady once more. I will get topped for every night.

Let us fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

Some thing ended up being completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, honestly completely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was oozing as a result. So when I say some I mean excessive. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because getting supportive is exactly what friendship is all about, whenever she said, I stated,


“which means you ultimately had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


chuckled nervously. She went house, googled “the clap” and became believing that she did, certainly have gonorrhea. She went, for the first time actually


(she was 28),


to your queer-friendly neighborhood gyno hospital.

They failed to know very well what had been wrong with her.

They tried her for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was in some pain. She required answers. She was basically putting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for nearly 30 days today.

So they really provided the girl an ultrasound.

AND CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THEY DISCOVERED.

Vaginal tears. All around the inside of her vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai


have been torn to shreds. The woman insides were dangling in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe-paper birthday designs inside.

And everything – every last inch – had been infected.

It might look that whenever Katie utilized the woman fabulous very long fingernails to give

Cai


an energetic drunk-fuck, no person understood that the woman fingernails had been additionally a festering breeding soil for



microbial vaginosis

.

Brilliant.

Cai


states have already been a stone-cold very top from the time.

My personal best friend wikipedia states you will get unpleasant infections from dirty fingernails. Apparently, you will find often staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, which can cause such a thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna state.

That sensible lesbian was actually spot-on with her existence instructions.

Never start a combined bank checking account along with your lover.

Never fake orgasms.

And holy mom of god, examine an innovative new technique’s nails before fucking.

Or you tend to be destined to endure the fate of Cai.

THE FINISH

I Must wonder, however…

Have any of y’all actually ever obtained something horrible from another girl’s fingers?

Or heard about an individual who performed?

Or perhaps is this primarily



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My personal fingers tend to be inching towards travel-sized Purell bottle.

I want answers.